Death Should Be Illegal

And while we're at it.. can we please ban all negative emotions?


I think handling death well is impossible. I tried this weekend... and failed miserably. 


Saturday morning my best friend's mom passed away. 


I had had the pleasure, the honor to have known this woman for 18 years. Since the day I met her, I called her Mom.... as did the friends of all her children. She was just Mom. 


She battled brain cancer for 17 months. To say she was strong and brave is a huge understatement. 


Knowing for 17 months that someone is going to die soon does not make it any easier. I thought maybe it would, you know, having that chance to prepare your self.. to say goodbye... but it doesn't. 


Losing Mom is beyond words. It hurts. 


But for me, the hardest part of dealing with her death was watching her children go through this. 


Saturday afternoon I joined the family in her home. I watched her kids (all 5 are grown adults by definition.. but it's still hard to imagine any of us old enough for this). They cried... they shared memories.. we talked... we cried.. they were angry... each of them felt guilty in some way. 


That was one of the hardest times in my life. My heart literally hurt for them. I can not even begin to imagine what they're feeling.... what in the world do you even say?


I don't handle emotion very well AT ALL. 


Knowing that Mom no longer has to suffer.. isn't in pain... doesn't have to depend on anyone for her every need.. is finally at peace, helps a lot. I absolutely hated seeing or hearing her go through the awfulness that is cancer. She held on for a long time.. made every attempt possible to prolong her beautiful life... and not for her self. She did everything for those kids. She didn't want them to lose their Mom. She didn't want them to go through everything I watched them go through on Saturday...


I hate death. It sucks...


That night, after having spent a few hours with the family, I left to pick up my son and take him home. When I got to my sister's to get him, I was a mess. I tried to explain the awfulness that I had just experienced... I tried to describe how much it hurt to see those kids miss their Mom SOOO much. I told my sister about each of those kids is their for each other.. how they are the only ones who know exactly how the other ones feel... I told her that I don't ever want that day to come for us... I don't want us to have to be there for each other in that way.. EVER. 


Then I told her how sad I feel for Drew... when that time inevitably comes he won't have that support system. Sure he'll have his cousins and friends... but he won't have a sibling who knows exactly what he lost.. exactly what he's feeling at that time. He'll have to lose his mom alone. I can't begin to describe how much that hurts me... 


I didn't know it at the time, but Drew heard my crying rambling rant to my sister that night. Last night when we were going to bed, he asked me if I could give him a little brother or sister. I laughed and asked him why he all of a sudden wanted one now when he's always been so adamant about me never having other kids... He said "so I don't have to be alone when I'm older.. you know, like you were telling TeeTee the other day... "


I hugged my little man super tight... and cried us both to sleep.


I know that death is inevitable... for all of us. 
I just wish the pain that comes with it wasn't .... 


Rest in peace Mom... we love you forever. 


**Side note: Now both of my BFF's have lost their moms this year. First my BFF from high school.. and now my BFF since I was 11... again, death sucks! 

In The News

Family news that is...

-Drew is still missing his top two front teeth. They fell out in February and have refused to come back in since. This irritates me to no end...

-He now has a loose bottom tooth and I told him there's no way he's pulling it out until one of the other teeth come back in... I can not have a toothless kid!  (I can almost guarantee that tooth will be out before the weekends over.... )

-I have TMJ... and have had it for about a year. It sucks and there is no technical cure for it.... Lovely!

-We have ZERO plans for the weekend and I couldn't be more excited about that. October, November and December will be complete chaos, so I intend to enjoy this carefree weekend to the fullest.

-This morning in the car, Drew decides we should each list our strengths and weaknesses... he's 7 and I have no clue where he comes up with this stuff. He listed "being single" as one of his strengths... I burst out laughing... He is definitely Mama's Boy

-I drive a Ford Focus. Nothing overly spectacular, but a great little car for us. Great on gas and I haven't had any major issues with it. However.... when I'm on a thrift store shopping spree, I often have to remind myself that we do not own a truck. In the last week I have had the thrift store employees force 3 large objects into that poor car... a Gazelle (exercise equipment), a HUGE dog house (for my 2 tiny chihuahuas), and a desk. All three were done separately... and when I got them home I had an awful time trying to figure out how to get them out of my car....

-I have watched 17 hours of tv shows (Love me some Hulu), read 4 books, watched 2 movies and played endless games online this week at work. Yes, it's a tad slow here.... boredom is very boring. But getting paid for it does make it kind of worth it.

-Drew has had a hard time deciding whether he wants an Ipod or an Xbox for his birthday. Well last night he came up with a solution. He says he'll take an Ipod for his birthday and just ask Santa for an Xbox for Christmas. I couldn't help but laugh.... This poor kid has no idea that after buying his birthday present, "Santa" will be BROKE when Christmas comes around. Last year he asked Santa to give all of his presents to the homeless.... guess this year he's feeling a little less charitable... poor me.

-Today is the first day of Fall.... normally I am not a fan, but this year I'm kind of looking forward to it. (remind me of this when the temperatures start dropping... )

My Idea of Happy is Way Different Than Yours

What do you want in life?
What do you want out of life?


Other than a happy and healthy son, I couldn't really care less. 
Oh wait, except I do want a house on the beach. 


My family is always asking me about my plans for the future.. and what I want in life. This seems to me the kind of thing you ask a kid that's getting ready to graduate high school... not a 29 year old mother who's been living a happy and healthy, very fulfilled life for the last 8 years.


They ask me these things because I don't live their idea of a normal... traditional life. 


Here are the facts that disturb them:


-I'm 29 and single. Completely single.. no, I do not date. At All.


-My idea of going out is a trip to Target or Ikea... there are no bars or clubs in my life.


-Cooking & cleaning are things I dread... apparently you're supposed to love it if you're a mom.


-I genuinely enjoy my time ALONE.


-My practically 8 year old still sleeps in my bed.


-My wardrobe consists of 72 tank tops... dressing up is NOT my thing at all. 


-When Drew's not home, I will go an entire weekend without talking to a single person. I am not a fan of people.. what can I say?


-I don't have the slightest career ambition. Zero desire to be employed in any way shape or form..... however, I am realistic and a mom, so I do work a full 40 hours every week.


-I have very few friends. Friends require time & energy that I don't have.. and when I do, I'd just rather spend it alone.


When I tell people that I am happy... truly happy with my life, most don't believe me. They can't begin to imagine how that's even remotely possible since I'm not sharing it with anyone.... except Drew. I hate this... I am sharing my life with the absolute most important person in the world to me... and people can't see how that makes me happy. 


I adore my son. I love him more that he'll ever know. And yes, he makes me happy... Every.Single.Day.


And while my choices in life make others question my sanity.... I have to admit, I often question the life choices of every person I know.


For me, the idea of putting on dress clothes 5 days a week to go to work is insane. Skipping my son's awards program at school because I have a meeting at the office or an out of town business trip are things I will NEVER do. 


Let's not even talk about dating.... People bug me. I interact with them when and how I feel like it... that's as close to "dating" as I ever plan to get. If you want your thoughts, feeling and opinions to be taking into consideration by me.... it's never gonna happen, unless you're Drew.


How in the world are so many of you people in relationships... or even married?!?!? Compromise, commitment, expectations, sharing, and obligation are things that will never make sense to me. If someone wants to spend time with me, I want them to do it because they genuinely want to... not because we live together and they feel obligated to come home. I don't want someone to assume or expect that I will attend a wedding with them simply because they've given me the title of "girlfriend". I will always be a CHOICE... not an obligation.


Everyone has their own version of happy. Different things make different people tick. People's wants are different... as well as their needs. 


My life may be different than yours... but it's mine and I'm HAPPY. 


Your life sure is different than mine... and doesn't make sense to me... but if you're TRULY happy... then I am happy for you. 


Maybe one day my family will see it that way too. Maybe.... 

The Great Remodel of 2010 Continues.. in 2011

Back in April 2010, the remodel of my house began. 


(work being done by my landlord (AKA- my grandpa) and my uncle who does the work in his spare time... if he has any)


I asked for wood floors in my living room and dining room. 


What I got was an ENTIRE house remodel. Every single room, every single wall, floor and window. 


While I appreciate all the nice new stuff.. and how great my house looks now... the problem is, it's still not done. 


My room, the living room, dining room, hall and bathroom have been done. Only took a year to get those done.... 


But now they have officially moved on to the end (I HOPE) of the project. 
Drew's room.... the kitchen and the laundry room. Oh, and last minute they decided to rip down the fence in my backyard and build a new one, and add a slab of concrete for the storage shed they think I need (ummm, yes, I do have a lot of crap Grandpa, thanks for noticing!)

This part of the project has actually gone along pretty quickly over the last two weeks... until this weekend. My uncle was there both Saturday and Sunday working on Drew's room. Walls have come down, flooring has been ripped out and drywall is everywhere.

And while my uncle was working away inside... my cousin was outside in my grandparent's backyard (just on the other side of my back yard) putting in ANOTHER bathroom. Yep, a bathroom in the backyard... (of my grandparents house, not mine.) This was all fine and dandy and didn't concern me one bit, until they mentioned that they were connecting it to MY plumbing (but they pay my water bill so what do I care?) Oh, and there was a problem with one of the pipes so they wanted to replace the whole line.... That runs under Drew's room and my kitchen.

We are SOOO lucky that they were working on both projects at once because my cousin had to come in with a freakin' jack-hammer and dig a huge hole through the width of Drew's room and right down the middle of my ENTIRE kitchen.

Horrible lighting, but that's the whole in the floor

of Drew's room looking in from my kitchen.

And I know you can't really see it here, but this 

is my tiny kitchen with a massive hole in it.. and tarps

covering my countertops.

To say that it was a LOUD, filthy and eventful weekend is a huge understatement. 

I am not looking forward to cleaning up after this mess. The plan is to finish Drew's room completely before working on the kitchen. So they will be putting down a temporary floor until they're ready... at which time I will need to empty my kitchen completely in order to clean all the DUST and debris that has worked its way into my cabinets and every dish I own. 


Fun times!

3rd Grade

It finally happened. 


I've known the day was coming for awhile (almost 8 years actually). But with this being our first full year in a private school with a year-round school schedule, it seemed to take forever. 


This morning my little man.. love of my life.. my son, my moon & my stars... started THIRD GRADE.

He's just so freakin' cute, it's kills me! (Yes, very proud Mama)

I had to force him to take the obligatory first day of school pictures before we left.

He's going to do GREAT. This boy is beyond ready for third grade... but he was still a bit nervous today. Right now I love knowing that my son's biggest fears are cursive & fractions... oh to be young again... 

Bring it on 3rd grade!! My boy can handle it.. and hopefully I can too. I'm anxious to hear how his first day went.... and to see how many stains I need to remove from his precious white shirt. 

And let me just add... that this is the first year that I didn't cry on the 1st day of school. 

Wow... WE really are growing up. 

The Randomness That is Us...

* How in the world is it already September?? Anyone want to tell me why 2011 is flying by?


*We had orientation for little man's class last night. Third Grade... don't even get me started on how my itty bitty is even old enough for 3rd grade... 


*I truly feel sorry for his teacher.. she will have to deal with me.. daily.. for the ENTIRE year. Yes, I am THAT Mom. The one that knows her child is the best thing to ever happen to the world, the mom that requires notification if her son so much as sneezes during class, the mom that needs to know 3 months in advance if there will be any field trips, class parties or projects. 


*Drew's room is currently under construction. While I am SOOO glad that this project has FINALLY been started, and involves my minimal involvement... It still stresses me out because I know that I will eventually have to put everything back in there. We have never moved since Drew was born so I had no idea how much STUFF that kid really had. It's a lot.. too much really. 


*And since my kid has sooo much junk... I might just have myself a little yard sale this weekend. Maybe... it's still supposed to be in the high 90's outside... and I really don't do outdoors unless it's at the beach... and I'd be doing it all alone.. so probably not.. but maybe.


* I have every intention of doing some unnecessary shopping this weekend. Old Navy has their NFL stuff out now and we both need new team shirts (Go Cowboys!!!), and Michael's just sent me come coupons in my email so I'm sure I'll find a few things I need there. 


*We have ZERO plans for Labor Day... but I'm thinking we'll either hit the L.A. County Fair... or hang out by the pool. Every intention of enjoying our last day of Summer. 


*Drew lost one of his baby teeth on February 15th... and it still hasn't come in yet.. and there is no sign that his adult tooth has any intention of coming in any time soon. I think 7 months is WAY too long for a tooth to come in.. I think a trip to the dentist is in order. Oh, and the tooth next to it came out in April.. and hasn't come in yet either. My poor toothless baby.... he has another tooth loose right now and I told him there is no way I'm allowing another tooth to come out before those top two come in. (note to self: stock up on superglue!)

He Isn't Even Slightly Phased By You

Oh to be young again. 
Carefree.. without a worry in the world.


Ok, wait.. he does have worries. He worries about when he will get to play the Wii next. He cares if we have dessert each night. And he definitely cares if he's getting shots at each of his doctor's visits.


But my son... my gorgeous and intelligent little 7 year old.. doesn't care what people think. 


When I tell him to get his clothes ready for school, he simply grabs the 1st pair of shorts in the drawer without considering the color or pattern. Then he goes to the closet and grabs the 1st shirt he sees... not stopping to think if it will match his shorts or if it even still fits him any more. 


He doesn't care. Appearance means NOTHING to my son. 


He sees nothing wrong with giving the toys he no longer plays with to his friends for birthday gifts. He does not see the need for the toy to be in it's original package.. unopened.. un-enjoyed. NEW is not important to him... and he doesn't think it matters to other people. He would be excited to receive a game from his friend... not ever looking to see if it's ever been opened or where it came from.


He knows that I buy clothes for him at the thrift store whenever I see something cute in his size. Clothes that have been previously worn by another child... clothes without their tags on them... and he doesn't care. The only thing he questions at theses times is why I keep buying him clothes that he doesn't need!


My son is not phased by labels. He couldn't tell you who any of his shoes were made by. The only labels this kid cares about are Wii and Xbox.. his two best friends. (And I guarantee if there was a knock-off video game brand I would have bought that instead of the Wii.... and he wouldn't have cared one bit.)


My son cares about people's feelings... when it comes to them being sad or happy. He just doesn't care what they think about him. He's a kid.. of course he wants to be liked by the other kids on the playground... but he's not on a mission to impress anyone.


He's a practical and resourceful little man. He will think of a way to re-purpose ANYTHING I want to throw away. He could live on mac & cheese and chicken nuggets daily, and thinks I'm wasting money buying anything else. 


The world hasn't corrupted my baby yet. He hasn't been impacted negatively by TV advertising and celebrities. Greed hasn't taken over his pretty little mind.. yet. 


I am realistic and know the day will probably come. The day when he HAS to have the latest Nikes... or HAS to buy his friend the new video game for his birthday.... The day might come.... and he might start to CARE...


But until then, I will enjoy his innocence and lack of concern. 


And I will wish that I was more like him......