Emotional Control Freak

Being a single parent means you're pretty much in full control all the time. I am the decision maker for EVERYTHING in my house (Drew would probably disagree, but then again.. he's 7). I make all decisions concerning myself and my son. I control who comes and goes... what is worn and when it's worn.. I control the temperature of the house and the contents of the refrigerator.


I am in control. Like it or not, this is just the way it is (and for the record.. I LOVE it this way).


I was reminded today that there is one area of my life where I lack control. Not completely... but in a small way and on occasion.. I lack control of my emotions. 


For at least the past 6 months I have received a phone call every Wednesday afternoon. This person is calling in hopes that I have left work early and can see him for a bit before he picks up his son. For the last 6 months, my answer has always been no (not because I didn't want to, but because I'm not taking time off work for anyone other than Drew.. Ever). But he still calls. Week after week... consistently... Like clock work. I look forward to these calls.. with pure anticipation. 


Today he called. I said no, as always.. we talked for a couple minutes and that was it. When I hung up I was smiling. Glad to have received the call. Glad that after 13 years he still "get's to me". Glad that today he thought of me. 


Then I kind of got to thinking.. I started wondering"what if" and "why not"... I miss him. He makes me smile. 


Then he called back about 5 minutes later. He wanted to buy me something (very very inexpensive ($1) and random..) and was calling to see if it was something WE would use. WE.. Drew and I. It wasn't, but I thanked him and said it's the thought that counts. When I hung up I almost cried. It was the weirdest thing... crying over a purchase that didn't even happen.. Crying because he was thinking of US.. Drew and I. 


Then 2 minutes later I was irritated. Not with him, but with myself. I HATE getting emotional about ANYTHING (other than Drew). I hate that I let anyone have that type of effect on me. I like being in control. I like predictability in my life and structure. Random moments of emotion (not related to Drew) just have no place in my life. 


I need to gain control back. I need to remain focused on Drew.. and OUR life. 


The last time I lost emotional control like this was 3 months ago when WE took OUR son to the hospital. . . . He still gets to me...