Looking for the Pause Button....

I need to vent.... what a surprise, I know... 




There are a few things going on in our lives.... and a few in my head... that require decisions... major, life altering decisions (and I completely dread making even the smallest or simplest decision, like what's for dinner)... and a few things that I have no control over, which of course is horrible... 


-The elementary school that Drew has been going to for the last 2 years is in a different city and "Zone" than the one we live in... which requires me to request a transfer each year...well with all the lovely budget cuts this last year, his current school is now over crowded and they are not accepting any transfer students for the upcoming school year... BIG PROBLEM... so now I have to find a new school and probably a new daycare for Drew. I refuse to send him to a school in our district because they're just nasty (seriously, I'm not just being a snobby picky Mom), I've looked at private schools but I'll be in debt for the rest of my life if he goes there, moving into the district of his current school would require us to leave the only home he's ever know, our HOUSE next to my grandparents, to move into a tiny 1 bedroom apartment that we'll barely be able to afford. School is scheduled to start August 9th so I'm pretty stressed out about this.... 


-I've been looking into getting my tubes tied for the past year or so. I'm 28 years old and Drew is almost 7. I think the age gap between him and a sibling would just be too big at this point, and there's not exactly a man around to contribute to "baby making" process right now anyways. ( I asked his dad if he would "donate" so that at least our kids would have the same parents, he said he doubted his girlfriend would be ok with that... whatever, fine..be selfish) And I honestly don't want to be OLD when I have my next child. I know people a lot older than I am have kids every day, but I already feel like I'm 40 sometimes.. so it's a little late for me. Last Friday I finally went into the doctor for a consult, and he approved me.... which then made me completely nervous because now there was nothing standing in the way of having it done. The procedure I'm scheduled for is not the traditional surgery of having your tubes tied.. it's called Essure and it's done in the doctors office without having to be put under. They're supposed to call me this week to schedule the appointment.... but now I'm not so sure I'm ready for it.... 


-For the last month I have been feeling pressure and sometimes pain in both of my ears. I just figured it would go away eventually, but it was feeling worse last week so I went to the doctor. She was really surprised that I wasn't running a fever or having other symptoms because she said it seems I have a bacterial infection and middle ear infections in both of my ears, and there are sores in my throat from the infection. I haven't felt any pain in my throat at all, but I looked and they sure are there. After being on the medication for 5 days now, there hasn't been any change so I have to back tomorrow.. Great!


-The list of dental work I need done is IMMENSELY long... and expensive. I keep putting it off because my insurance covers so little and I've already used it all up this year, and my money keeps finding other things to be spent on. But yesterday one of my back teeth cracked and a little piece came off.... YUCK.. so now I don't have a choice and have to see the dentist ASAP to fix it. Hope my Visa card is ready... 


-My car is in need of repair. The windows have decided not to work anymore, and after replacing the window motor, nothings changed. And it makes some funky noise some times so I'm sure it could use a tune up or something else costly.... 

-And because life wouldn't be the same without some issue at work.... the air conditioner at work isn't working properly.... and hasn't for the last 3 years. They keep sending different people out to look at it, but I think looking is all that they're doing.. no one seems to be able to fix it. It's been about 83 degrees in there every day... YUCK

Here's my proof... that I also emailed corporate =)

The Thing I Do Best...

*During a ride in the car this weekend, Drew randomly asked me "Mom, what do you think I'm the best at?"... I thought for a moment, thinking he was hoping I would say video games, but I responded with "well, you're great at baseball, and you play video games pretty well"... at which point he completely melted my heart and said, "ya I'm good at those, but the thing I do best is LOVING YOU..." Seriously, I almost cried!! My little sweet heart... I sure do love that kid. 

*We had a pretty calm weekend... even though it was about 800 degrees all day every day... 


but Friday the electricity went out on our street (lucky us!!) probably because everyone and their mother was running their air conditioning and every fan in their homes trying to survive this freakin heat. So we headed to the mall to enjoy some free AC and have dinner. And surprisingly all I spent was $6... for the entire 2 hours we were there... and that $6 was spent on dinner!

*Saturday morning we ran a few errands then headed home and went straight to the pool. We spent a few hours out there with Drew's aunt, uncle and cousin, then went home to take a nap before going to the Angel game that night. One of my girlfriends gave us her season tickets for that night and they were giving out a jersey to all the kids that night so it seemed like a win-win situation for us..... until we got there and I realized we'd be sitting in the sun for about 80% of the game. The game started at 6:00pm and it was 92 degrees.... we only lasted 2 innings before we left. I was seriously melting.. dripping sweat...  yuck!! 

*Sunday we headed to the beach bright and early. I always want to get to beach as early as possible to get a good spot and avoid traffic. It was already 81 degrees outside when we left our house at 9:00am so we were prepared for a long hot day. But when we got the beach it was about 70 degrees and the sky was covered with clouds... we played for a couple hours, walked around the shops a bit and had lunch, then decided that it was too cold, so we headed home and back to the heat... and the pool. 

It was a hot, but pretty enjoyable weekend... 

Current Tid-Bits of Drew

* last week Drew told me I need a hobby, so I asked him what hobby meant (we have a rule that he's not allowed to say something unless he knows what it means). He admitted that he didn't know, so I explained that a hobby is something you do in your free time that you really enjoy. So he say "nevermind Mom, you already have a hobby, ME."  ....he's a keeper for sure


*this child is lactose intolerant just like his mother... but has a "need" for ice cream on a daily basis...hmmmmm, wonder where he gets that from... 


*Drew knows how much I miss him being a baby, and the cute little baby things he used to do, so when he wants me to pick him up and hold him sometimes (he's almost 7) he'll say "Mommy, I want to hold you".... just like he did as a toddler.... and I must admit, it works every time


*last night while playing Monopoly Drew landed on one of the transport squares and I asked him if he was going to buy it. He said "no, you already own one of them and I know how KARMA works"... What in the world have I done to this poor child?.... lol

After Awhile

This weekend I spent a HUGE amount of time alone in one of the scariest places imaginable.... inside my own head.. my mind... my heart...... all alone with my thoughts... my thoughts darted back and forth between 5 specific years in my past and my life today... 
This all happened because I came across an old notebook full of letters and after a few hours I was brave enough to start reading them.... after an exhausting amount of tears I came across this passage:


After Awhile
-V. Shoffstall


After awhile, you learn the subtle difference
between holding a hand and chaining a soul,
And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning
and company doesn't mean security, 
And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts,
and presents aren't promises,
And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes open
With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child,
And you learn to build all your roads on today
because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans,
And futures have a way of falling in mid-flight.
After awhile, you learn
that even the sunshine burns if you get too much.
So plant your own garden and decorate your own soul,
instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure.... 
      That you really are strong,
      And you really do have worth,
      And you learn and learn...
      With every goodbye... you learn....




This really didn't have much to do with the stuff I thought about over the weekend.... but it did make me think a little and I liked it, so I wanted to share...


As for my thoughts this weekend, 


-Sorry will never be enough
-Thankful doesn't nearly begin to describe it
-I still believe in FOREVER




**34**

10 Years

With my 10 year high school reunion coming up (which I will not be going to, by choice), I kinda started doing a little reminiscing ... and thought I'd share a few things.... 


It's been 10 years since.. 


I said good-bye to the halls, classrooms, and quads filled with friends.


I left behind the football field where I spent endless nights cheering for our Tigers.


I passed notes from one friend to the next.. even using a secret mail man from time to time for those super secret notes *48*.


He was waiting for me....next to the planter where he would pick the yellow daisies to hand me.


I snuck out of class... or just skipped class all together, to eat breakfast at Sammy's or lunch at Spike's.


It's been 10 years.... 


The choice not to go to the reunion is completely mine... the location isn't too far and the cost isn't too high... financially.... but emotionally, it's just not something I can afford. 


The night of my graduation I cried like crazy through the entire ceremony. I was so sad to see it all end... and scared to death of what would come next. But I got through it, and life went on. What I thought would be the best years of my life, instantly fell short the moment I became a mother. Life went on... literally. 
But I'm not ready to go back.... I'm not ready relive parts of the past... not like that. 


There are a few people I still talk to from high school... very few... and thanks to Facebook I've pretty much caught up on who married whom, and how many kids so-and-so has, and all that stuff... 


For multiple reasons, I'm afraid to go back.
This is true of most of my past..... 


So I will go forward... 
Drew and I will go out that night and celebrate... 


I had a blast in high school... absolutely loved it... can't believe it's been 10 years... but I'll always be a Tiger... and a proud part of the Class of 2000.

Baseball Weekend

Hope you all had a wonderful 4th of July.... 

Our day started at my grandparents house for our traditional family bbq and celebration of their anniversary (61 years...) and then we headed to Angel Stadium for our first 4th of July baseball game.

 

We were lucky enough to receive awesome seats from a friend of ours so we were right up close to the field, which made Drew's day since he was able to stand up close and watch them practice... and one of the players from the visiting team (KC Royals) even came over and handed Drew a ball. 

 

Before the game started they had a giant flag brought out, fireworks going and even a plane (not sure what kind) flew over head... 

The game was awesome ( the Angels won!!) and we had a great time there.. it was a little hot for the first hour or so, but it cooled down nicely in time for the fireworks show at the end (which I didn't take any pictures of because I was way too busy enjoying them for myself).

 

And yesterday morning we headed to the park for some baseball of our own. The weather was a little dark & cloudy, but after a few minutes of running around we warmed up quickly. Drew was too cute out there, doing his stretching and warming up to run the bases. This kid has a true love for baseball. Unfortunately Mom isn't a huge fan of the outdoors...or running... so our little game only lasted a couple hours... and he still managed to beat me. 

Now it's back to work... but only a 4 day work week, so I can't (or shouldn't complain). 

Silence for Cohen

Today is the memorial service for baby Cohen. 

Our thoughts are with Megan & Brent and

all of Cohen's family and friends.