Anxiety Makes Me Anxious

For the last few months... maybe most of this year really.... things have taken a drastic change. I just don't feel like myself anymore. I am not the "Me" that I was a year ago... 2 years ago... or even 6 years ago. I'm overwhelmed with anything and everything. Focus is a non-existent word. Afraid, paranoid, nervous, and scared are now an every day routine for me.
This isn't me. 


So after many discussions with my close friend and a couple family members, I've decided to talk to my doctor about it. 


The decision that this was necessary was made a couple months ago... I've scheduled 3 separate appointments... and cancelled all 3 because I was afraid to go. I don't want there to be anything "wrong" with me. I'm stronger than this and can get through it without the help of anyone else.... just like I've done with any and everything for the last 28 yeas. 


But today I'm going. It's time.... it's beyond time. Last night I realized that this issue is affecting the mother that I am to my son and that just kills me. I'm no longer the mom that Drew deserves. And because of that I am going... today. 


I'll never be able to apologize enough to my baby boy for avoiding the issue for as long as I have. 


Hopefully Drew's Mom will be back soon.... because I know that little boy misses his mommy like crazy. 

A Day At The Fair

This weekend Little Man and I spent a day at the OC Fair. The original plan was to go the the beach... but since we were out by the pool the day before and Sunday was the last day of the fair, I decided it was Fair Time. 

Less than 5 minutes into our day and he had to rest (and massage) his feet. This was the first of many stops at the "Footsie Wootsie" machines. 

 

Drew is not normally a fan of rides at the fair. This is probably the 2nd time he's ever ridden anything there... if you can count going down the slide as a "ride". His favorite thing there is always the games. This kids could spend ALL day (and all my money) playing every single game there.... even if they're next to impossible for kids to win. So I kinda pushed him to play the games that guarantee a prize... not a fan of seeing my baby disappointed.  

This year there was an exhibit hosted by Lunchables. Drew NEVER wants to do this kind of thing, but this year he was all for it. We waited in one of the longest lines ever... in the HEAT... and he was so excited to climb, and he made it all the way to the top. Maybe someone is actually growing up... but I'm not ready for that so let's just ignore it for the next 20 years. 

We walked around for awhile looking at all the animals... had a little lunch (some how I managed to leave the fair without eating a single FRIED food... WOW, that never happens, and I seriously regret it.... ) Drew rode the little tractors... and posed for 100 pictures (my little cheese cowboy).. and we watched the pig races which he loved. 

I may have missed out on some fried food goodness.... but I made up for it with a yummy funnel cake.... 

sure wish I would have taken an "after" picture because Drew was covered in powdered sugar and had a whip cream mustache. This kid has a thing for junk food just like Mommy. 

It was a good day. It was pretty hot, but not too bad. But Drew says we can skip the LA fair that's coming in a couple weeks. Guess he had enough Fair for one year.

Baking Like Betty

After registering Drew for private school last week, AKA: The Day I Drained My Savings Account..... I was left pretty much poor for the weekend... more like 2 weeks, but lets just stick to the weekend for now. And since Drew was at his dad's for the weekend I decided to just suck it up and try to keep me & my wallet in the house and avoid the spending temptations. This only worked mildly... but a little is better than none I suppose..... Sunday after briefly giving into the shopping temptation, I decided to do some baking. I wanted to make pumpkin bread since it's my favorite, but for the life of me could not find any pumpkin mix at the store. So I decided on a simple white bread. I have made this once previously, years ago.

It came out good. A little too much flour on the outside of one.... but on the inside this stuff was great. So moist and soft. Pretty sure I ate almost half a loaf that day, and gave the other half to my grandma to try, since I ended up having to go next door and borrow some flour from her during the baking process.


This morning I went to have another piece, and it's not so moist in the middle anymore. I'm not sure what the shelf life of homemade bread is (it's stored in a ziploc container). 


Hopefully I can find some pumpkin soon and get started on making the good stuff. 

My Achey Breaky Heart

This morning my little man started at his new private school. (Technically 2nd grade won't start for him until September, but for daycare purposes he's starting now) This morning was A LOT like his first day of kindergarten. Drew has a VERY hard time with anything new... any type of change... anything even slightly unfamiliar. 


I took him about 30 minutes before school started (during their morning daycare period) so that I could spend some time there with him and he could get a little more familiar with it before I left. The kids were all outside playing so Drew and I sat on a bench and watched... well, I watched, Drew cried. He was nervous and scared.... and seeing my little man afraid just broke my heart and the tears started flowing (thinking about it right now still makes my eyes watery) There was the sweetest little girl ever who came over and introduced herself and tried to talk to Drew and let him know that everything was ok and that this was a fun place (This little girl completely amazed me with her kindness.... her parents should be so proud of her. I'm buying her a small gift today to thank her for making at least me feel a little better) Oh and this girl is only in kindergarten!! But Drew wanted nothing to do with her or anyone else out there. 


The teacher who was out there watching the kids came over to me and let me know that I was welcome to stay as long as I liked... but that it would probably be best for both Drew and myself if I left soon. I just couldn't leave him. It physically hurts my heart to see my son cry.... to know that he is scared... I HATE IT!! A few minutes later the principal came out to talk to us. She is the only staff member Drew has interacted with before this (we've come in to see her twice before today). She asked Drew if he wanted to come inside and help his teacher get things ready for the day. Of course he ignored her, kept crying and clung to my legs. Finally I knew it was time, and I gave my hugs and kisses, reminded him that he was in a fun and safe place, told him I'd be there to pick him up later, and told him I loved him and said good-bye. He kept crying, but the principal led him back inside to the class. 


I cried the entire way to work this morning. I hate this... 


About an hour and half after I dropped him off, the principal called me to let me know he settled down, helped the teacher and now he was just fine. I couldn't help but cry again while I was talking to her.... and was very glad that she called. 


I love my son with every ounce of me... I have complete confidence that he'll adjust well and be happy in his new school.... but this whole beginning phase SUCKS. 


I sure hope tomorrows drop off goes better. And I can't wait to pick him up today... let's just hope I can get through it without crying. 

Cousins

Cousins Forever....Friends For Life

Thoughts for Thursday

-My mom is coming into town today and bringing my 2 nephews. The boys will be spending the night with Drew and I and my mom will keep all 3 boys tomorrow while I'm at work. This means I must be prepared for forced sharing, tears, LOUD boys, swimming, tons of laughing, endless pictures... and the rare opportunity to enjoy my 3 favorite boys. 


-The house is a disaster due to the remodel and my lack of a desire to clean... however, when my mom inevitably asks why my house is a mess, I fully intend to blame the construction guys (her dad & brother). 


-It's official, Drew will be starting private school on Monday and I have mixed emotions about this one. It's a non-religious and totally untraditional school... but my little man is up for the change.. so I'm going to have to force myself to be ready to.


-Having the "what if we'd done things differently" conversation with Drew's dad always leaves me feeling a bit sad and uneasy.... but after yesterdays "wonder what things would be like if we got together now" conversation, my heart hurts. Sensitive subject on every level possible.... 


-I haven't seen my nephews since Mother's Day... and they only live an hour and a half away... I am officially the worst aunt EVER.... sorry boys. 


-I want a laundry fairy. I swear that stuff is just endless. Wear, wash, dry, fold, put away...REPEAT


-Bored while at work is a HUGE understatement. I have gone through my collection of books at home..TWICE.. and keep buying new ones to read when I work. I know that right now this is a good problem to have.... but boredom and I are a bad combination.


-Drew has gone to the same daycare for the last 5 and a half years.... and today will be his last day there. We're going to miss some of these teachers and kids.... Have I mentioned that I HATE change?


-I have absolutely no idea of what type of job I would actually LIKE to have. No clue. However, for reasons I won't go into... I know I would be a GREAT private investigator. If your husband is cheating, or has 5 illegitimate kids you don't know about, I can find out VERY easily and quickly. If your mom used to be an exotic dancer or you want to find your birth parents, I can find all that info too. I told you boredom and I are a bad combination. 


-I've decided to hold of on getting my tubes tied. Not because I plan to have more kids... but because becoming a private school mama is going to drain every cent we have... and it looks like my insurance doesn't cover as much as I thought they did. 

Angels, Butterflies and a Bed Hog

This weekend little man and I went to yet another Angel game... We do enjoy going to these games (even though they lost this one) but I'm at the point where I think I've had enough baseball for one year... oh wait, Drew starts little league again next month.... Great!

We also took a looong over-due trip to the LA Museum of Natural History over the weekend. Just getting into the place was a little adventure (got distracted by a nature walk and the California Science Center). We had a good time looking at all the animals.

We checked out the dinosaur bones, the lions, bears and insects. They had a room that only had the skeleton of a HUGE whale and they played whale noises in the background. I thought it was kinda cool.... Drew however, was kinda freaked out. He has a thing with loud noises.... or weird noises.

We also visited their butterfly garden which was really pretty neat. Drew's class last year spent some time studying butterflies and had a few in their classroom that they got to release, so it was pretty cool for him to see all of these butterflies. As soon as we walked in the garden, an employee instructs us not to touch the plants or the butterflies. Drew was a bit disappointed... so he says to the lady "well are they allowed to touch US?".... She laughed and said yes. This kid was determined to touch a butterfly. If he had it his way he would have caught them all and brought them home. 

Drew had every intention of sitting on this bench in the garden until a butterfly landed on him.... but my stomach was growling and I was starving... so we went to lunch without touching a butterfly.

The museum was a lot larger than I expected (3 floors) and Drew is not a fan of walking AT ALL... so after lunch we left, without ever making it to the 3rd floor. Guess we'll just have to take another trip out there. And maybe he'll get to touch a butterfly. 

And this is my little bed hog... all bundled up in his cocoon. Our Cal-King size bed is not nearly big enough for the both of us.... this morning I woke up to his feet under my pillow, his head next to my knees, and both of us squished to the very edge of MY side of the bed.... while about 4 feet of space was left empty on HIS side..... Might just be time to move the munchkin into his own bed so I can actually get some sleep!! But isn't he adorable =)