Death Should Be Illegal

And while we're at it.. can we please ban all negative emotions?


I think handling death well is impossible. I tried this weekend... and failed miserably. 


Saturday morning my best friend's mom passed away. 


I had had the pleasure, the honor to have known this woman for 18 years. Since the day I met her, I called her Mom.... as did the friends of all her children. She was just Mom. 


She battled brain cancer for 17 months. To say she was strong and brave is a huge understatement. 


Knowing for 17 months that someone is going to die soon does not make it any easier. I thought maybe it would, you know, having that chance to prepare your self.. to say goodbye... but it doesn't. 


Losing Mom is beyond words. It hurts. 


But for me, the hardest part of dealing with her death was watching her children go through this. 


Saturday afternoon I joined the family in her home. I watched her kids (all 5 are grown adults by definition.. but it's still hard to imagine any of us old enough for this). They cried... they shared memories.. we talked... we cried.. they were angry... each of them felt guilty in some way. 


That was one of the hardest times in my life. My heart literally hurt for them. I can not even begin to imagine what they're feeling.... what in the world do you even say?


I don't handle emotion very well AT ALL. 


Knowing that Mom no longer has to suffer.. isn't in pain... doesn't have to depend on anyone for her every need.. is finally at peace, helps a lot. I absolutely hated seeing or hearing her go through the awfulness that is cancer. She held on for a long time.. made every attempt possible to prolong her beautiful life... and not for her self. She did everything for those kids. She didn't want them to lose their Mom. She didn't want them to go through everything I watched them go through on Saturday...


I hate death. It sucks...


That night, after having spent a few hours with the family, I left to pick up my son and take him home. When I got to my sister's to get him, I was a mess. I tried to explain the awfulness that I had just experienced... I tried to describe how much it hurt to see those kids miss their Mom SOOO much. I told my sister about each of those kids is their for each other.. how they are the only ones who know exactly how the other ones feel... I told her that I don't ever want that day to come for us... I don't want us to have to be there for each other in that way.. EVER. 


Then I told her how sad I feel for Drew... when that time inevitably comes he won't have that support system. Sure he'll have his cousins and friends... but he won't have a sibling who knows exactly what he lost.. exactly what he's feeling at that time. He'll have to lose his mom alone. I can't begin to describe how much that hurts me... 


I didn't know it at the time, but Drew heard my crying rambling rant to my sister that night. Last night when we were going to bed, he asked me if I could give him a little brother or sister. I laughed and asked him why he all of a sudden wanted one now when he's always been so adamant about me never having other kids... He said "so I don't have to be alone when I'm older.. you know, like you were telling TeeTee the other day... "


I hugged my little man super tight... and cried us both to sleep.


I know that death is inevitable... for all of us. 
I just wish the pain that comes with it wasn't .... 


Rest in peace Mom... we love you forever. 


**Side note: Now both of my BFF's have lost their moms this year. First my BFF from high school.. and now my BFF since I was 11... again, death sucks!