After Awhile

This weekend I spent a HUGE amount of time alone in one of the scariest places imaginable.... inside my own head.. my mind... my heart...... all alone with my thoughts... my thoughts darted back and forth between 5 specific years in my past and my life today... 
This all happened because I came across an old notebook full of letters and after a few hours I was brave enough to start reading them.... after an exhausting amount of tears I came across this passage:


After Awhile
-V. Shoffstall


After awhile, you learn the subtle difference
between holding a hand and chaining a soul,
And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning
and company doesn't mean security, 
And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts,
and presents aren't promises,
And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes open
With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child,
And you learn to build all your roads on today
because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans,
And futures have a way of falling in mid-flight.
After awhile, you learn
that even the sunshine burns if you get too much.
So plant your own garden and decorate your own soul,
instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure.... 
      That you really are strong,
      And you really do have worth,
      And you learn and learn...
      With every goodbye... you learn....




This really didn't have much to do with the stuff I thought about over the weekend.... but it did make me think a little and I liked it, so I wanted to share...


As for my thoughts this weekend, 


-Sorry will never be enough
-Thankful doesn't nearly begin to describe it
-I still believe in FOREVER




**34**

10 Years

With my 10 year high school reunion coming up (which I will not be going to, by choice), I kinda started doing a little reminiscing ... and thought I'd share a few things.... 


It's been 10 years since.. 


I said good-bye to the halls, classrooms, and quads filled with friends.


I left behind the football field where I spent endless nights cheering for our Tigers.


I passed notes from one friend to the next.. even using a secret mail man from time to time for those super secret notes *48*.


He was waiting for me....next to the planter where he would pick the yellow daisies to hand me.


I snuck out of class... or just skipped class all together, to eat breakfast at Sammy's or lunch at Spike's.


It's been 10 years.... 


The choice not to go to the reunion is completely mine... the location isn't too far and the cost isn't too high... financially.... but emotionally, it's just not something I can afford. 


The night of my graduation I cried like crazy through the entire ceremony. I was so sad to see it all end... and scared to death of what would come next. But I got through it, and life went on. What I thought would be the best years of my life, instantly fell short the moment I became a mother. Life went on... literally. 
But I'm not ready to go back.... I'm not ready relive parts of the past... not like that. 


There are a few people I still talk to from high school... very few... and thanks to Facebook I've pretty much caught up on who married whom, and how many kids so-and-so has, and all that stuff... 


For multiple reasons, I'm afraid to go back.
This is true of most of my past..... 


So I will go forward... 
Drew and I will go out that night and celebrate... 


I had a blast in high school... absolutely loved it... can't believe it's been 10 years... but I'll always be a Tiger... and a proud part of the Class of 2000.

How I Remember It...

My mom was a single mother from the time I was a baby.. 

She raised my sister and I on her own...

with occasional help from family... 

We were raised to be independent from day one...

This was done both intentionally.. and at times, out of selfishness... 

My mother and I are very different women.. 

we are VERY different mothers... in practically every way.. 

But some of the things I remember, make me think about the things that one day Drew will look back on and remember.... 

Today, I want to talk about the GOOD things.. 

-Pancakes... and not just on weekend mornings... to this day, the smell of pancakes reminds me of my mom. 

-Being tucked into bed and night like a "burrito".. Mom made sure all the blankets were tucked in around me tightly and I could barely move.. and loved it. 

-Trips to Molles Manor... we lived an hour and a half away from ALL of our family, but Mom took us down to Grandma's practically every other weekend.. and every single holiday.. 

-Wal-mart.. that's where mom worked, so that place became our second home. To this day my sister and I have a loyalty to Wal-mart.

-Gingerbread cookies at Christmas time... frosting them was always my favorite part.

Drew and I have a few things... things I know I'll remember forever.. but I wonder what he'll remember, what he'll look back on and smile about.... 

Every day is another chance to create more memories.... 

Moving Forward...

The time for change has come.... 


But first, here is an adorable picture of my little monster on Halloween.

Drew was with his dad this year for Halloween so I didn't actually get to see him... *Heart broken Mama over here* but I  was sent a couple pictures. Drew wanted to be a werewolf from the "Thriller" video for Halloween. Sure the make up was cool.. and having hair glued to his face was neat... but the only thing he kept talking about was the fact the he was gonna have the jacket... boy did he want that jacket. 
I missed my little man on Halloween.. but I'm glad he had a great time. 


***** Now, in other news.......


I've decided to move forward...
Now I completely dread cleaning.. of any form.. so I avoid it at all costs...
however; the time has come for some mental and emotional "house" cleaning.

I took the time to do some reflecting..and over thinking.. this last couple weeks.. 
I realized that since I had Drew six years ago I had changed a lot in my life...
I changed a lot about the way I lived and the way I thought.. and surely, the way I felt...


But I also realized that I hadn't changed enough...
in one way in particular, I was still the girl I was at 19... and I don't want to be anymore..


I chose a way of life.. a way I would interact in most relationships I had with people in my life... and it worked for me.. at that point in my life.. and even for the last 5 years or so.... 


but not anymore.


I want to move forward... 
now I'm not even sure of exactly what I mean by that... but for starters, it means removing people from my life that will prevent me from becoming the person.. the mom.. the woman.. that I want to be.

There is one person that I knew I had to start with... all the rest would be easier.. 


This man had been a part of my life for almost 8 years... he's played a role that couldn't possibly ever be named... maybe that's because it was more like 15 or 20 roles... but to me it was one.
This is a good man... with a good heart... 
He allowed me to be myself... always.. encouraged me to find myself.. learn more.. be completely honest at all times... not once did he ever try to hold be back from what I wanted or needed.


We both chose to lead lifestyles that were untraditional and went against what most of our friends and families believed. . . it's what connected the two of us though.


I don't have a single negative word to say about this man.. however; this is because I believe that people treat you how YOU let them.... and this is the reason for my need to remove him from my life.
He's played the role that I've allowed him to ... the role I asked him to play... but I no longer need someone to play THAT role in my life... and unfortunately there's no way he could play any other. 
That was his role... 

Change is never easy... this one certainly hasn't been.... but necessary and easy don't always go hand in hand... 

So I'll be moving forward.... and cleaning house... *not literally, let's not get carried away here

I'm looking forward to this new life... waiting to see what's behind the next door in life I choose to open.