To My Non-Existent Daughter,

Dear Non-Existent Daughter,


7 years ago I was unexpectedly pregnant with your brother. I had always wanted to be a mom, but wasn't planning on it at the time... Then one day... BAM!!... he was inside my belly.


The day I found out I was pregnant, I pretty much decided I was having a girl.


I never really gave it much thought. 
From that day forward, I started referring to my baby as Alexis Jade.


My daughter... my Alexis Jade. 


I can't honestly say where the first name came from.... it just came out of my mouth, sounded good, and it stuck... the middle name, however; does have a meaning. That's my sister's middle name, and I've always loved it.


There was a brief thought of naming you Destiny Marie.... 
But because of the strong meaning that this name held in my heart, I couldn't use it.... it wouldn't be right... this was the name that my high school sweetheart.. love of my life #1... and I had agreed to name our future daughter... but since I knew your father was... umm... not him.. I couldn't use "our" name with someone else's baby.. 


Then there was that shocking day... June 9, 2003... my 21st birthday actually, when the ultrasound lady gave me the news.... 


My Alexis Jade was a boy.... 


To say I was shocked is a HUGE understatement... 
hadn't really even considered the possibility of you being a boy.. 


Surprisingly, I got over the shock pretty quickly... 
and fell in love with my son... Andrew James


But the story of my daughter, didn't end there.... 
for some reason love of my life #2 and I still talked about baby names at work.. and still played the what-if it was a girl game... and one day we came up with a name... and I loved it... still do... (although I've officially decided not to have anymore kids in the future, I still refuse to share THE name with anyone... just in case... )


When I think of each of these names, I think of my daughter.... 
My non-existent daughter.... 


Even now, your brother and I talk about you... 
we've discussed whether or not I should have another baby... whether he would want a sister or not... and if anyone asks Drew he already knows what his sister's name will would be... 


Alexis Jade.... 


For me, Alexis, Destiny and "the secret name" represent 3 different parts of my life... 3 separate people in a way... but combined, they all equal you.. my daughter... 


Your brother is the love of my life... the REAL love of my life... 
and although I truly wanted a daughter 7 years ago.. 
I believe there's a reason.. multiple reasons actually... 
that I was given a son


So while you may have never officially been in my belly... you will never be born.... you are apart of our family... 


Love, 
Mom